Sunday, August 31, 2008

The penis factor...

...is something I don't think I'll ever understand. I mean, I understand the concept of the penis... and it's biological and ...um... pleasurable necessity. But seriously, isn't it rather disturbing to have an independent appendage that dominates your thoughts and actions and perhaps even your life the way it tends to do?

My first unpleasant encounter was about 5 years ago, during my first clinical appointment. I was examining this guy for varicose veins, and he kept asking weird questions such as whether his VVs had been caused by too much sex, whether the surgery would affect his sex life and how he was very active in that department and how much his wife complained. Engrossed as I was with trying to figure out where exactly the incompetent veins were, I merely made several soothing comments such as "don't worry, no of course not" etc. My clinical train of thought was rudely interrupted when his erection became so obvious that I couldn't possibly miss it. Eeeeuw. Utterly flustered, I snapped "get your clothes back on" and fled the ward.

Since then I've been resigned to the fact that as a female in the medical profession I'm likely to have the random patient drop his pants / raise his sarong in the ward, in the clinic and occasionally even on the corridor, usually accompanied by the words "nona meka poddak balanna" (Ma'm, have a look at this). Last week though was more trying than usual, hence this post.

A well known drunkard from the outskirts of Colombo was in our ward, after being assaulted by a gang of equally inebriated fellow drinkers. So there he was, on a bed, trying to look pathetic and failing miserably... and everytime a female went by his bed, this guy would reach under his sarong and start wanking away. Now, since our ward has 3 lady doctors, 5 nurses and about half a dozen student nurses walking around, this would happen every 10 minutes or so. Finally, after the poor nurse who was giving him injections came back looking absolutely nauseated, I asked a couple of attendants to tie his hands to the bars of the bed. Soon afterwards, his family requested that he be transferred to a health facility close to his home and we were only too happy to comply. Good riddance!

The casualty also saw this guy who for some unexplained reason had tied what looked suspiciously like a pirith noola around his penis! By the time he came, that ridiculous piece of thread had been there for a couple of weeks and the organ was swollen, rotting and stinking to high heaven. Our conversation went something like this...

Me : why did you tie that piece of thread?

Patient : I just felt like it Nona

Me : were you trying to sustain an erection?

Patient : no no, I don't do those bad things Nona

Me : why didn't you come any sooner??

Patient : only now it began to hurt Nona

Me : (silent scream of frustration)

The Registrar took one look and said we'd have to amputate, but as the patient was not fasting, we were told to just take him to the OT and cut the thread off, and prepare for surgery the following day. The pleasant task of breaking the news to the patient and getting consent for amputation of the penis was allocated to me. The thread duly came off and P. Nonis, as he jokingly became known as to the senior doctors, (read - No Penis - pathetic medical joke but it did sound funny at that time), was told to be ready for surgery the next day. Morning dawned and the patient was missing from the ward. Much hullabaloo, calls to the hospital police post and paper work to be sent to the Director's office. Goodness knows what happened to the poor fellow. Hopefully, that thing would fall off because if it stays attached for much longer, he'd get blood poisoning and die.

Finally, a 17 year old kid was admitted in the wee hours of the morning, complaining of pain in his weewee. I came to the ward, bleary eyed and started clerking. Apparently he had had sex with his 16 year old girlfriend 2 days ago, forgotten to pull back the foreskin and was now having pain and swelling "down there". Of course, he had to wait till 2.30am to come to hospital. I was more concerned about the girl. Had they used a condom? No. Did he have any idea what part of the cycle she was in? No. Could she be pregnant? Shrug. Apparently "she is a poor girl and has lots of family problems... that's why I was with her". I failed to understand how a possible pregnancy would improve this girl's prospects.

Getting his foreskin back in place was no picnic. Liberal amounts of anaesthetic gel were used... he thrashed around, arms and legs flailing... reinforcements were called... but in a few minutes, things were back to normal. I waited till morning to give that boy a large and nasty piece of my mind. If he thinks he's old enough to screw around, then he's old enough to be responsible about it.

Hopefully, next week will be more routine and have less ickyness all around. All in all, even you guys out there must admit that I have some justification for my rants! :)

21 comments:

pissu perera said...

guys # 1 and 2 - should've had noolas tied around their members.

guy #3 - you mean he actually made his own dick rot??

guy #4 - you should've let him suffer a bit more (unethical though it probably is) before you put him right. his attitude calls for it. the poor girl, though she's also a cow for not having insisted they use protection.

rosetintedview said...

wow you have such an interesting job...
why do all the er... penis problems come to you? not enough doctors?

T said...

LOL. the glamorous life of an MD!

chaarmax said...

Kottu seems a different place these days all this talk about Penis and BJ's. He he.

Geez, there are some weirdos in Colombo. Any "something about mary cases"?

surani said...

OMG..I found this so funny..(though I guess that was not your intention ;o)

Scrumpulicious said...

WHY would someone just "feel like" tying something around their penis?!

Bloody hell!

Darwin said...

Sounds awful. Also, because you're a doctor you have an obligation/responsibility to treat them 'ethically' else you could get hit with a malpractice suit? For example you couldn't possibly give the guy an 'ointment' liberally doused with Tabasco sauce to apply when wanking could you? :D

Java Jones said...

May sound far fetched, but we actually did have a master in College named P.Nonis. Needless to say what the boys called him!!!

'Truth is stranger', as the saying goes!

uhu said...

This is so funny... though I guess kind of disgusting too.. When I was reading it.. I was seeing it like in a sitcom like 'Doctor in the House' or something.. and you write well too.. really.. you could put just a little more work in to it and turn it in to a Script.. and we can all get together and produce it! :)

Angel said...

PP: yes he actually let his dick rot. Go figure. Agree with you about the girl, although with the pathetic sex-ed in SL I doubt she would have known any better. Probably thought you can't get preggers from the first time.

Ahmed N : I haven't a clue why they tend to concentrate when it's my casualty night... I guess other wards get their fair share too...

Chaar : I know! Been watching the trend with interest. Sorry, what type are the Mary cases? I've watched the movie but don't get the reference :S

T : sigh!

Surani : thanks!

Scrump : my point exactly!

Darwin : believe me, there are plenty of nasty concoctions I could have "prescribed"! And in SL, I probably would have gotten away with it too... I guess the medical ethics thing they hammered into us seems to have some effect...

Java : really?? Well fancy that!

UHU : lol, I have enough drama in my life... though the thought is really attractive!

Queen of the Dark Asylum said...

eeya!! sick sick sick!! DISGUSTING. i cannot believe you are going through this!! UGH!!

Agni said...

oh man... under normal circumstances, I would not have believed these..

btw, females go to a gyno: who does men go to?

DeeCee said...

ugh...it must suck being a lady doctor in sri lanka. SL men are digusting! YUCK!

and about that loser 17 yr old, he's probably ruined the life of some poor girl. whats wrong with people these days :( Don'tthey have stuff in school to worry about?!

Soixante Neuf said...

Omg this is the most hilarious blog ever! I love it. Wish you'd commented sooner so I could have discovered it sooner :)

Such a fun read. Just read two so far but I'm sure the rest will be just as awesome.

You write fabulously and sound incredibly dynamic and interesting. More power to you babe!

SN xxx

Angel said...

Queen : you have just echoed what was running through my head at that time...

Agni : unfortunately, men come to us, i.e. general surgeons and only get referred to Genito-Urinary specialists if there's a big problem.

DeeCee : I know! Were things different when we were that age? Anyway, I don't think school was a priority for this guy as he was barely literate. I had to write out the consent form for him as he said all he could do was sign his name...

69: thanks and glad you like! Oh, I've been following your blog for sometime... my comments would have been limited to "wow!, woah!" and such like, so didn't want to bore the blogging community or clutter up your blog! The last entry as a gem though...!

Auburn Enigma said...

brilliant stuff!! very well done..I too had a similar experience.lol..another time.

chaarmax said...

Ha ha. You know where they get there wee wee's caught in zippers. (ouch) :p

upekha said...

your blog scares the living daylight out of me (n im still in 3rd year!!!)so i guess there's no "grays anatomy" or "house" in reality,ha? :P
LOVE your posts (scary but luv 'em)
thanx :) :)

Jack Point said...

There is something very repressed about Sri Lankan men. It keeps coming out over and over again in various blog posts, an outward propriety that masks a deep well of frustration that seems to be released on unsuspecting females.

Material for your Phd thesis perhaps?

Angel said...

Auburn : do tell!

Chaar : lol, haven't seen that yet, but you'd be amazed at how many come in without any underwear... it's surprising they haven't had any de-zippering to do!

Upekha : I'm scared too! lol... Seriously though, days and nights are in a high state of tension, and sometimes I feel physically sick and nauseated by the responsibility. Enjoy your undergrad years, honey, they're the best!

Jack : no thanks... I'm not that fixated about penile problems! :)

Sachintha said...

Holy shit!
What is wrong with the world?

But as someone said, that 17 year old deserved a bit more pain...

Damn...